"It's time to let go": Moving forward into 2018 and beyond

This is probably one of the most raw and honest posts I've made in this blog. 

For a long time, probably even for most of my life, I have struggled with thinking I'm not good enough.

This struggle didn't arise from me hearing that from anyone close to me. No, not ever. Nor do I believe it arose from poor self-esteem. Sure, I was bullied and teased in high school, but I tried my hardest to not let it get to me too much, since most of what was being said was totally ridiculous (Understandably, though, some days were harder than others). In fact, I don't believe it even arose from unrealistic or unfair expectations from parents, teachers, etc. 

Somewhere along the way, I just began to let a little voice, undoubtedly a voice from the enemy, slip inside my head every now and then; "You're not good enough." 

Fast forward to my 20's, and as I look back even right now I can see the potential damage that line of thinking started: 

• being sometimes afraid to speak up at previous jobs because ideas were shot down, or ME taking blame for my supervisors not taking the time to adequately train me (Translation: "You're not good enough at your job")
• feeling overwhelming guilt after my cats got sick later last year from teeth problems (Translation: "You're not good enough at looking after your cats")
• wrestling, at times, with where my career trajectory will take me (Translation: "You weren't good enough to stick with a job in your field", or something like that)
• discouragement when God seems silent, or when I lost my job (Translation: "You're not good enough for God")
• in college, being jealous of my classmates who seemed to excel with A's and B's in difficult courses, whereas I struggled and struggled (Translation: "You're not smart enough" or "You're just not doing enough")

This struggle has, unfortunately, made its way into my marriage, and it goes a little something like this: 

• A suggestion, or an idea, or a constructive correction, warps inside my head and turns into "What's wrong with me?" "Why is my idea not good enough?"
• Any communication breakdowns we experience go straight to my head like, "Why can't I get this right?" "Why am I so bad at communicating?" 

I think you get the idea. 

If it sounds exhausting, it's because it is. No sugar coating it.

So last night, after a long- very long- conversation with my husband that went late into the night, I decided that I am, quite frankly, tired of living this way. I'm going to say it again: I AM TIRED OF LIVING THIS WAY. 

Starting today, or rather, last night, I am making a conscious effort to: 

1. Accept help from my husband- Iron sharpens iron, as Scripture says, and our differences can only strengthen us. I believe I have been resistant to that truth because I am afraid of "changing who I am", which is a lie. God wants us to become more and more like Him, and my thought processes are far from godly. I simply can't stay the way I am, if I'm wanting to be obedient to the Lord. The Bible says if we are to follow Christ we are to "deny ourselves and take up our crosses". That is action. That is more of saying no to me and more of saying yes to God. That is dying to myself. Period.

2. Stop listening to that voice. I don't know yet exactly what I need to do moving forward, but I've decided to start with two very basic steps: Prayer- very intentional prayer asking God to undo and replace the lies in my head with truth and softening my heart towards His amazing grace; and actually saying out loud "I am good enough."

Friends, it's time to let go. It's been time for a long time, too long. I truly believe it is not God's will for us to stay stuck in our heads and allow the negative, harmful voices we hear to make us feel we are less than. He wants us, unashamedly, unrestrained, and with every fiber of our being, to accept and walk in the freedom that can only come from relationship with Him and acceptance (true, radical acceptance) of His amazing grace. He wants us to lay down every burden, struggle, hurt, and hardship into His everlasting and strong arms, because He wants to lovingly and tenderly carry us through. 

This is not going to be easy. We're talking years of doing that needs to be undid. Years worth of my mind needing to undergo divine transformation. Years worth of pride and shame needing to be destroyed. Intentional training of my mind to listen to the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit and the encouraging voices of my loved ones. 

But it's time...Oh, it is time. It's time to let go!