Not knowing

It's been a very up and down week.

I took half of Monday off, partly to use up the last remainder of my vacation time, but mostly to spend time with someone who, quite frankly, I really like....a lot!  He knows.  I told him. It just so happened that he was in town for an interview at the college, so I guess you could say the fates aligned...or however that works. We had the chance to have some pretty personal and honest conversations. Despite all of this, and the past couple of months we've spent getting to know each other, I don't know what the future holds for us. Neither of us really do, for certain, anyway. But we know what we know, and what we do know, among many wonderful things, is that underneath it all, we both still enjoy spending time together.

I started my paperwork this week to get my "new" job going.  I also had to apply for said job, which is something I never thought I’d live to do. If all goes well, I'll be starting, officially, on Tuesday.  I feel like I'm in a weird sort of purgatory/limbo: I'm still not done with VISTA yet, although I will be tomorrow, but at the same time, I've known about the "Great Beyond" for a while now, and to have all these processes moving forward is a little surreal. I still have to remind myself to keep the VISTA mindset, even though tomorrow I'll be done. And although I know what I'm doing on paper, I don't know what the future holds, for myself, for Grow Appalachia, for the college, what I'm going to learn these next few years or however long.

I found out yesterday that I was asked to represent Grow at the Community Media Organizing Project's Annual Training next month! From what I know, which, admittedly, is not much, it's focused on social media: implementing social media into organizational outreach, how to make the most of your platforms, telling your story and getting your story out there, networking, and probably a lot more that I’m missing. I'm excited to be spending three days in Nashville, learning from so many folks, a few that I admire, and getting the chance to share the incredible work Grow is doing!  I don't know what I'll take away from it, or how we fit into the grander scheme of things, but I can't wait to find out!

After a tough day yesterday (more on that next), Kelly and I got to visit a couple friends of ours who just had a baby last week.  It was wonderful, and uplifting, to spend time with them and to meet their daughter, who is so adorable that I almost can't stand it.

And then, there's the down.  Our community has been shaken by some allegations and an arrest. Many of us, myself included, are struggling to wrap our minds around the unimaginable.  There is a lot of hurt.  There is a lot of confusion, shock.  There is, for some, a trust completely broken.  There is a lot of healing that will need to take place once this is all said and done. No one knows what the aftermath will look like, or how all who have been affected by this will move forward. I can only pray that we remember, and live out, that God loves unconditionally and that He does not judge.

Someone from my hometown lost a loved one in a horrifying car accident. A family, including two small children, have been left behind.

A co-worker of Kelly's just lost their child.

If I wasn't writing this in the office, I'm not sure I'd be able to be holding it together, like I'm managing to. It's a strange mix of what I’ve been feeling for the past few days; excitement, for prospective personal and professional opportunities, and at the same time an almost overwhelming heaviness, taking the words from scripture, literally, to heart, my own heart breaking for what breaks God's heart.  Never mind the fact that tomorrow, a one-year chapter that's taken me on all sorts of crazy rides comes to an end.

There's an overarching theme to all that I've shared, and it's this: An element of not knowing.  I mentioned this in an earlier post, but change can be scary, and it often is.  Waiting for how it's all going to play out can bring about impatience, frustration, discouragement. Being caught in the delicate balance of transition is exciting and unnerving. Making a decision that could change the course of a career or a relationship is not an overnight process. There's a beautiful but mysterious dichotomy wrapped up in the not knowing: holding on to what is known and understood, and stepping forward, or jumping in, to something entirely new and different, blatantly unaware of the outcome. But, in addition to what I mentioned last week about life, not being a series of random coincidences and events, it’s also full of unexpected triumphs and shattering revelations, both of which can stop you dead in your tracks. And I believe that that “gray area”, that space and time in between the joy and the heartache, in between taking one step into the next, is where we learn the most about ourselves and each other. 

The truth is that I don’t know how all of this, any of it, is going to unfold. I am only myself, a minuscule speck in this vast universe full of stuff that’s out of my control. We are unable to predict the future, just as we are unable to go back in time and alter the events of the past. But what’s carried me through this past year, through all of the ups and downs, is hope and trust. I have hope in a God that does just that: carries me.  And I take trust seriously, and when it gets to a point where the trust you have established is, in fact, trusted, something magical happens. Perhaps it even gives way to hope. And please know that you are never alone- rest and rely on those in your circle who have been running alongside you all this time.  It turns out I’ve got a pretty good crowd next to me. 

And now on to the rest of the day, and then tomorrow- the final day!!