Own it! (And remember the good)
Last night, I was feeling pretty down about something, so I talked with J about it. Specifically, I was feeling down about blame, and why I seem to be the one who seems responsible for every disagreement J and I have.
I remember saying, "It can't always be my fault. Is that selfish of me to say?"
I haven't really stopped thinking about his reply, which led me to here. He said, "Yes, that is selfish."
But he followed up with something like this: You flip a coin, okay, was this situation your fault? (He had an Ale-8 bottle cap in this instance 😛) Heads, no; tails, yes. Tails. Flip it again; tails. Flip it again; tails. That's three in a row. Those three bad days in a row out of one really good month, say, it then becomes clouded. I could be wife of the year for TWO YEARS in a row, and then have one day when I'm not so nice. He'll be thinking "eh, she's kind of being a jerk, but it's just an off day..." And then there's a second day in a row of me being nasty, by the third day, J is left thinking "Okay, I've married a total nightmare. What's going on?"
His point was, I think, remember the good. But own and ask for forgiveness for what actually is your fault. The latter is what I'm focusing on for this blog.
Another analogy he used: We have an urn of my mom's cremated ashes on a high shelf (Sorry if you're reading this, Mom, I promise it's only for illustrative purposes!!). An agreed-upon location. Scenario one: J drops the urn and breaks it. This is his fault, even though it's a total accident. He apologizes and asks for forgiveness, and I forgive him and we move on. He owned the blame and took fault for the incident, and apologized and asked for forgiveness. I don't blame him for not moving it, for where it is in the first place (since it was agreed upon together). Check! Scenario two: J accidentally bumps into said shelf, and knocks the urn off and it breaks. I FLIP OUT on him in anger. He is already feeling blamed because he bumped into the shelf and broke the urn, but now his feelings are even more exacerbated because I am angry. While he still owns the blame and takes fault for bumping into the shelf and breaking the urn, I too need to own the blame for exacerbating his feelings by reacting unnecessarily (getting angry). I need to apologize to him for getting angry with him, and ask for his forgiveness. Check!
Owning blame and owning mistakes is hard for me. Sometimes, I mentally grimace at it. I don't always want to say sorry, or feel like I need to. I want him to apologize first. I want to be right. All of those reactions are very, very, very, very, very selfish and very, very, very, very hurtful, both to him and to me. I need to better and continually work on swallowing my pride and saying sorry. What's more, I need to accept the forgiveness I receive from my husband, AND the forgiveness I receive from God, daily! I believe that in and of itself is part of the struggle I have with blame. I'm willing to bet that if I was able to more readily own it, apologize, and receive/accept forgiveness, I'd be less inclined to think that it's "always me" taking the blame. Instead of camping out in my shame, I need to...
Remember the good. I have a husband who forgives- readily! I have a God who forgives- daily, without question, without condition! How amazing is that? I can learn from my flaws and shortcomings and use them to become a better me, instead of allowing them to weigh me down.
Back to my earlier statement: "It can't always be my fault." I'd say, no, it's not always my fault. But that's not the point. If it is my fault, I can be an example of Jesus' lessons in humility and grace, and extend the apology. I can receive forgiveness, and accept it. Most of all, I can remember that it's not about me: it's about agape love which puts others ahead of self, and it's remembering the good. There is a lot of it, and I am so blessed :) Not letting the bad days outweigh the good- that is huge!
I remember saying, "It can't always be my fault. Is that selfish of me to say?"
I haven't really stopped thinking about his reply, which led me to here. He said, "Yes, that is selfish."
But he followed up with something like this: You flip a coin, okay, was this situation your fault? (He had an Ale-8 bottle cap in this instance 😛) Heads, no; tails, yes. Tails. Flip it again; tails. Flip it again; tails. That's three in a row. Those three bad days in a row out of one really good month, say, it then becomes clouded. I could be wife of the year for TWO YEARS in a row, and then have one day when I'm not so nice. He'll be thinking "eh, she's kind of being a jerk, but it's just an off day..." And then there's a second day in a row of me being nasty, by the third day, J is left thinking "Okay, I've married a total nightmare. What's going on?"
His point was, I think, remember the good. But own and ask for forgiveness for what actually is your fault. The latter is what I'm focusing on for this blog.
Another analogy he used: We have an urn of my mom's cremated ashes on a high shelf (Sorry if you're reading this, Mom, I promise it's only for illustrative purposes!!). An agreed-upon location. Scenario one: J drops the urn and breaks it. This is his fault, even though it's a total accident. He apologizes and asks for forgiveness, and I forgive him and we move on. He owned the blame and took fault for the incident, and apologized and asked for forgiveness. I don't blame him for not moving it, for where it is in the first place (since it was agreed upon together). Check! Scenario two: J accidentally bumps into said shelf, and knocks the urn off and it breaks. I FLIP OUT on him in anger. He is already feeling blamed because he bumped into the shelf and broke the urn, but now his feelings are even more exacerbated because I am angry. While he still owns the blame and takes fault for bumping into the shelf and breaking the urn, I too need to own the blame for exacerbating his feelings by reacting unnecessarily (getting angry). I need to apologize to him for getting angry with him, and ask for his forgiveness. Check!
Owning blame and owning mistakes is hard for me. Sometimes, I mentally grimace at it. I don't always want to say sorry, or feel like I need to. I want him to apologize first. I want to be right. All of those reactions are very, very, very, very, very selfish and very, very, very, very hurtful, both to him and to me. I need to better and continually work on swallowing my pride and saying sorry. What's more, I need to accept the forgiveness I receive from my husband, AND the forgiveness I receive from God, daily! I believe that in and of itself is part of the struggle I have with blame. I'm willing to bet that if I was able to more readily own it, apologize, and receive/accept forgiveness, I'd be less inclined to think that it's "always me" taking the blame. Instead of camping out in my shame, I need to...
Remember the good. I have a husband who forgives- readily! I have a God who forgives- daily, without question, without condition! How amazing is that? I can learn from my flaws and shortcomings and use them to become a better me, instead of allowing them to weigh me down.
Back to my earlier statement: "It can't always be my fault." I'd say, no, it's not always my fault. But that's not the point. If it is my fault, I can be an example of Jesus' lessons in humility and grace, and extend the apology. I can receive forgiveness, and accept it. Most of all, I can remember that it's not about me: it's about agape love which puts others ahead of self, and it's remembering the good. There is a lot of it, and I am so blessed :) Not letting the bad days outweigh the good- that is huge!
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